Courtesy Hamilton Spectator:
  The Hamilton Tiger-Cats fired their general manager this week and are now searching for the one man who can turn this mess around. However, at this point there’s no word if God is even interested in the job … Lance Armstrong is said to be dating Ashley Olsen. Which is only appropriate. After all, he’s used to hanging with just one of the twins …

In a related story, Mary-Kate Olsen is said to be dating New York Rangers’ pest Sean Avery. Things aren’t going well though. Every time she suggests a little tonsil hockey, he slashes her, calls her a name, and hides behind a bigger teammate … As if that wasn’t enough on athletes and their grown-up-child-star girlfriends,

Hilary Duff is apparently spending her evenings kanoodling with, and giving lap dances to, New York Islander Mike Comrie. It’s not that long ago doing so would’ve meant picking up a minor … With all the attention focused on the upcoming Games, Chinese birth records show 3,500 newborns throughout the country have been named Olympics. This replaces the previous most popular baby name based on current events: Human Rights Violation …

Eric Lindros retired this week. At least, he thinks he did. He’s just waiting for his mother to make it official … Curb Your Enthusiasm: An ironic Larry David sitcom, or the Ticats’ motto for 2008? … In Washington, D.C., a high school football player stabbed several of his opponents with a small knife during post-game handshakes.

Shocking as the action was, what was even more surprising was that none of the victims were named Belicheck … A family in Washington State narrowly escaped serious injury when a cow plummeted off a cliff and fell 200 feet onto the roof of their minivan. So that’s how bad things have become. Despite numerous promises to the contrary, cows can in fact fly and the Ticats still can’t win …

 It was announced this week that Celine Dion will kick off a 45-day North American tour next August with stops in six Canadian cities. The experts were wrong. They said spending a few hours in the RCA Dome in Indianapolis during a Colts game was the place most likely to cause crippling hearing damage …

 Pushing Daisies: A hit new drama-comedy about a guy with a supernatural touch, or the Leafs’ immediate future? … Tampa Bay’s baseball team is now just the Rays, not the Devil Rays. It’s the most decisive move to get rid of the devil in a sports franchise since the Bills stopped inviting O.J. Simpson to functions … The Smith Center high school football team in Kansas has outscored its opponents 704-0 this season. Most remarkable about that total, none of the games were against the Ticats … Finally, a woman in Seattle has been charged with biting off the lip of a man she was kissing. And you said you wouldn’t learn anything useful reading the paper today.