Courtesy Star Phoenix

Calgary contributor Derek Wilken’s top three signs the Saskatchewan Roughriders are in the Grey Cup: “3. Watermelons are considered the year’s best cash crop; 2. Toronto sports writers are running out of adjectives for hillbilly; 1. The last person leaving Saskatchewan for Toronto is being asked to turn out the lights.”

I’m told the best Grey Cup party by far this week was the one at the posh home of David Cynamon, an owner of the Toronto Argonauts. The guest list was said to be a mix of CFL players and executives, members of the media and some of the most attractive women you will ever see. How attractive? One guest swears he saw women wearing skirts that were shorter than Doug Flutie.

Can you imagine some of the Saskatchewan radio guys at a party like this? I’m thinking this is where Green Acres meets Playboy Mansion.

Bill Littlejohn, after Winnipeg Blue Bombers coach Doug Berry said the only sex his players were likely to have before the Grey Cup would be with themselves: “This could give a whole new meaning to the term pulling guards.”

A message similar to Berry’s was apparently delivered to officials working the game. We can only hope the video judge doesn’t go blind.

Another quick hit from Littlejohn: “Northern Ireland’s only salmon farm was wiped out by a freak jellyfish attack. I have one question. What the heck was Bud Selig doing in Northern Ireland?”

Vancouver comic Torben Rolfsen, on Barry Bonds’ indictment: “His legal team is claiming it wasn’t his urine. ‘If it is not his pee, you must set him free.’ ”

From Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel: “Hey, it looks like Bonds might end up in pinstripes after all.”

Wilken, on the plan to reward financially Canadian athletes that win medals at the Olympics: “Athletes in Saskatchewan say they would put the money toward a house, in Manitoba they say they would buy a car and in British Columbia they would get a tall mochachino non-fat latte with extra foam.”

Wilken says offering cash incentives to Canadian athletes has led to a new motto for our Olympic team: “Who wants to be a Thousandaire?”

The New York Times ran an expose this week on drunken New York Jets fans at Gate D who chant during halftime for women in their section to lift their tops. This reminds me of a famous old saying: I went to a football game and a Motley Crue concert broke out.

Dave Randorf of TSN, to CFL panelist Matt Dunigan, after Randorf’s fine story on his visit to the factory in the U.S. where Wilson footballs are made: “Did you have any idea what kind of love and tender care went into your balls?”

Three words for the CBC football panel, and Mark Lee and Chris Walby for the one-sided way they covered the Western final between the ‘Riders and Lions: Shame on you.

If Wally Buono were to call Eric Tillman and say I’ll give you Jason Clermont for Andy Fantuz, if I’m Rusty Tillman, I respectfully say thanks but no thanks.

Toronto comedian Frenchie McFarlane says it is nice to see Tillman in Toronto after his health scare last week. “Tillman thought he was having a heart attack, but doctors say it was actually ‘acute sideline prowlitis’ and ordered him to stay in the ‘Rider box this weekend.”

Another Paris Hilton sex tape emerged this week. In other news, Barry Bonds has a big head.

New contributor Clint Wong of Burnaby says aging quarterbacks Brett Favre and Vinny Testaverde have been approached by Hollywood agents to fill the lead roles in a sequel to Grumpy Old Men. “Not to be outdone, rival agents have asked Tom Brady and Bill Belichick to star in a remake of Sex, Lies and Videotape.”

Janice Hough of leftcoastsportsbabe.com, on Favre hinting that he will play again in 2008: “Even Cher is saying ‘enough already.’ ”

Favre, when asked what he will do after he retires from the NFL: “Quarterback the University of Manitoba Bisons.”

Syndicated columnist Norman Chad, when asked why the Miami Dolphins would give Ricky

Williams another chance: “Williams is a two-way threat: Whether it is a nickel defence or a nickel bag, he can score for you.”

The warden of the prison in Clayton County, Ga., wants satellite television installed at his institution so inmates can watch Monday Night Football. Four hours with Tony Kornheiser? Aren’t these guys doing enough hard time?

Wilken, on Toronto wanting to host the 100th Grey Cup game: “The city is asking for the game to be played at 8 a.m. so it doesn’t conflict with NFL pre-game shows on television.”

David Beckham reportedly took his Los Angeles Galaxy teammates on a seven-hour pub crawl last week in Vancouver. For those keeping track at home, that’s more time than he spent this season on the pitch with them.

I’m thinking the English side must have completed a seven-hour pub crawl just before their Euro 2008 match with Croatia.

Littlejohn, on Al Davis saying he won’t retire until after the Raiders win a record-tying fifth Super Bowl: “By that time, Davis will have tied another record — Methuselah’s.”

After evaluating teams in nine categories, The Hockey News selected the Detroit Red Wings as top franchise in the NHL. Ottawa was second and Colorado third. The Toronto Maple Leafs were tops in one category — team least likely to win the Stanley Cup with John Ferguson Jr. as general manager.

A word I hope I never hear again: Banjo.

Tags: Banjo, CFL, Grey Cup, hilbilliy, Saskatchewan, Winnipeg